Category Archives: Humor

Overheard at work

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Some of my teammates and I were discussing the details of an email we got from someone who claimed they had been hacked. It had a number of conclusions which were absurd on their face and the data they supplied were consistent with an alternate hypothesis which was void of any wrongdoing. Yet, we were inclined to look into it a little bit more…

Joe: What they are saying doesn’t make any sense but it’s all within the realm of standard ignorance.

Caity: I like that phrase, “Within the realm of standard ignorance.” Can I be Queen of the Realm?

Overheard at work

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Today, from a meeting at work (redacted and paraphrased as needed):

Jodie (my boss): Ms. “X” and some other adult entertainers have contacted Mr. “A” and have starting talking. We should reach out to Mr. “A” and get a relationship going so we can correct any false or misleading information he gets from other sources.

[Joe starts smirking]

[Jodie looks at me and stops talking]

Joe: It might be difficult to establish a competing relationship when our competition is a bunch of porn stars.

Fortunately, everyone in the room seemed to think it was as funny as I did and I wasn’t sent to HR for reeducation.

Quote of the day—Devin M.

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They seem to be legitimate illegal activity.

Devin M.
May 3, 2018
[This was from work.

Devin was researching a business that, essentially, sold stolen goods and had a good reputation with their customers.

This is sort of like an “honest politician” is one which, once bought, stays bought.—Joe]

Quote of the day—John D. Clark

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The old destroyer gun turret which housed our card-gap* setup had become a bit frayed and tattered from the shrapnel it had contained. (The plating on a destroyer is usually thick enough to keep out the water and the smaller fish.) So we had installed an inner layer of armor plate, standing off about an inch and a half from the original plating. And, as the setup hadn’t been used for several months, a large colony of bats —yes, bats, little Dracula types —had moved to the gap to spend the winter And when the first shot went off, they all came boiling out with their sonar gear fouled up, shaking their heads and pounding their ears. They chose one rocket mechanic —as it happens, a remarkably goosy character anyway—and decided that it was all his fault. And if you, gentle reader, have never seen a nervous rocket mechanic, complete with monkey suit, being buzzed by nine thousand demented bats and trying to beat them off with a shovel, there is something missing from your experience.

John D. Clark
1972
I G N I T I O N !: An Informal History of Liquid Rocket Propellants, page 171
[I love this book.—Joe]

* The card-gap test is used to determine the shock sensitivity of a potentially explosive liquid. A 50-gram block of tetryl (high explosive) is detonated beneath a 40 cc sample of the liquid in question, contained in a 3″ length of 1″ iron pipe sealed at the bottom with a thin sheet of Teflon. If the liquid detonates, it punches a hole in the target plate, of 3/8″ boiler plate, sitting on top of it. The sensitivity of the liquid is measured by the number of “cards,” discs of 0.01″ thick cellulose acetate, which must be stacked between the tetryl and the sample to keep the latter from going off. Zero cards means relatively insensitive, a hundred cards means that you’d better forget the whole business. As may be imagined, the test is somewhat noisy, and best done some distance from human habitation, or, at least, from humans who can make their complaints stick.

Huffman toes

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My nice, Lisa, recently delivered a healthy set of twins and has been posting pictures and updates on Facebook. Recently it included this:

RemyToes

I’ve had a few people ask about Remy’s toes… they’re completely normal as far as Huffman toes go, she just spreads them way out and they look freaky in some pictures!

Barb has commented on my toes as well. I can easily move them in directions she can’t even generate a twitch.

I also have often wondered why there was a big deal, by some people, about thumbs being opposable.

Quote of the day—John Fogh

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Well the initiation process does require one to eat the still-beating heart of a hippie…

John Fogh
Professional Firearms Instructor
November 9, 2017
In response to the question, “Can a vegan join the NRA and how will they be viewed by other gun owners?”
[Ask a silly question, get a silly answer.

John has also been quoted here before:

He also taught Barb how to fight with a knife.—Joe]

Overheard at work

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In a meeting today*:

Josh: I couldn’t read Greg’s handwriting even if you put a gun to my head.

Joe: Has this been tested?

Caity: Joe probably has all the things we need to facilitate such a test.

…

Josh: Go ahead and pull the trigger now. I’m never going to figure it out.

* While the words were actually spoken certain implications are not true and are best left to the imagination.

Eclipse quote of the day

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From the Lincoln County Idaho Sheriff’s Office:

A few things to keep in mind if you’re visiting our area for the Eclipse.

With the Solar Eclipse almost upon us, I have seen many helpful posts and public service announcements, but I feel they fall short in several areas. I will try to cover some of those.

1. Idaho has a huge amount of public land open to exploring and enjoying, but it isn’t a garbage dump. Take out what you take in. We live here 365 days a year. The public land is our back yard. We hunt, fish, trap, and camp there and will take it as a personal insult if you screw it up.

2. With that being said, not all land is public. There is a lot of private land including ranches and farms that have been in the family for over a hundred years. If there is a No Trespassing sign at a gate or road that means you. Stay out or some gentleman wearing a cowboy hat, wearing irrigating boots, and riding a four-wheeler will let you hear it.

3. We drive trucks, tractors, combines, and swathers on the highway going about our business. They go pretty slow and won’t move faster if you sit behind us and honk. In fact, they actually go a bit slower. We live here. You don’t. Be patient and enjoy the scenery.

4. There is a very good chance you will see someone carrying a firearm. Yes, it is loaded and no I don’t have a damn permit for it. Everybody, and I mean everybody, owns a gun in Idaho and a lot of us carry one quite regularly. Don’t panic. Don’t call the police. And above all, behave and treat us and our state with respect and there won’t be a problem.

5. Our dogs. Our dogs ride in the back of our trucks and they like it. Sure a few slow learners take a tumble every once in a while, but for the most part they do just fine. Don’t pet them while they are in the truck. They will bite you. Numerous times if possible. The truck is their’s not your’s and they take their security duties seriously. Again, don’t panic and don’t call the police because they don’t give a damn and they are probably going to be busy saving some tourist who received incorrect map directions from their Tom-Tom.

6. Our wildlife will kill you and it will hurt the whole time you are dying. Elk, moose, bison, and grizzly bears take great pleasure in playing hacky sack with tourists that get too close. They are wild animals and are not trained circus acts. If you must harass our wildlife, may I suggest you go catch a badger. They are really good cuddlers.

7. Our weather will kill you and yes it will hurt the whole time. It snows here every month of the year. Our back roads become death traps when it rains or snows. Your Prius isn’t an offroad vehicle, so stay on the pavement. Don’t make our brave and skilled First Responders have to go looking for you when you go exploring.

Welcome to Idaho….enjoy the Eclipse and have a safe journey home.

Sheriff Rene Rodriguez

It’s funny because it’s (almost all) true.

Quote of the day—Con Slobodchikoff

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A lot of people talk to their dogs and share their innermost secrets. With cats I’m not sure what they’d have to say.

A lot of times it might just be ‘you idiot, just feed me and leave me alone’.

Con Slobodchikoff
Professor at Northern Arizona University
July 23, 2017
This new technology may soon be able to translate your pet’s sounds into words
[I laughed and laughed at this. It reminded me of something daughter Xenia said to me once.—Joe]

Resistance is futile

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I am in the process of renewing my ATF license to manufacture high explosives. For some reason I can’t find anywhere in the U.S. Constitution where the Federal government has been granted the power to regulate the manufacture and consumption of explosives entirely on my property, entirely within the state of Idaho.

So, in keeping with the current “resist” political theme of the last few months, I’m bravely sending the renewal form to the ATF with a “Freedom Forever” stamp.

WP_20170626_20_06_57_Pro

I suspect no one at the ATF will perceive the irony and my resistance will be futile.

Overheard at the office

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From the office today:

Greg: A woman asked me to kill a spider. I told her no. It was here first. She told me it was her or the spider.

Josh: The spider is still in his house. It has taken over the bathroom. The entire bathroom is filled with webs and it lives in the skylight.

Greg: I don’t respond well to ultimatums.

This story has been told more than once. Caity’s version is:

Josh: So, Greg was dating a woman. She found a spider in the bathroom and asked that Greg kill it. He said no.  She said, it’s me or the spider.


Greg: Well, the spider was there first.


Josh: Yea, I’ve met the spider. It lives in the skylight.


Greg: I don’t do well with ultimatums.

Brett’s version involves a discussion of the hotness of the woman and the attitude of the spider versus the attitude of woman. It turns out that the woman was “hot” but the attitude of the spider won out overall.