Category Archives: Humor

Simulation “To Do” note

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Quote of the Day

The James Webb Space Telescope has discovered a giant cosmic question mark in space that has baffled scientists.

The team operating the telescope at the European Space Agency released an image on Wednesday that offered the most detailed look yet at two actively forming young stars located some 1470 light-years from Earth in the Vela Constellation.

The two dazzling stars, named Herbig-Haro 46/47, were seen surrounded by a disk of material that “feeds” them as they grow for millions of years.

But just below them, in the background of the stunning deep-space image, was an object that resembled a huge, red question mark suspended in the night sky.

It’s unclear what the strange object might be.

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Chloe Whelan
August 8, 2023
Cosmic question mark discovered in deep-space by the James Webb Space Telescope

Meh. It is just the rendering of a “To Do” note in the simulation code.

Overheard

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Last Thursday, Mike B. was in the neighborhood and stopped by for a visit. We were talking about various threats to the social order. He mentioned EMPs were of concern to him. I mentioned another plague, the high crime rates of Seattle and other big cities, nuclear fallout, …
Mike: Kerry (mutual acquaintance and head of a university chemistry department) is the only person I know who owns a Geiger counter.
Joe: [gets up from his chair, opens the cupboard above Mike’s head, pulls out a box, and shows Mike a Geiger counter].
Mike: Okay. Two people.

I’m for the Second Amendment, BUT

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Quote of the Day

I’m for the Second  Amendment, but if it saves just one life to eliminate gun free zones, pass constitutional carry in all states, and ban all magazine limitation laws and ban laws that ban AR15s then it’s worth it.

Colion Noir @MrColionNoir
Tweeted on July 11, 2023

Nice twist!

I’m for the Second Amendment, but not everyone will get the joke here.

If You See a Bulge

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If you see a bulge in a conservative woman’s pants, it’s a gun. If you see a bulge in a liberal woman’s pants, it’s a penis.

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Blaire White @MsBlaireWhite
Tweeted on February 27, 2023

I do not think knowing her political affiliation is required to distinguish between a penis and a gun in her pants.

What is this thing? Is that a light?

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The scope seems a little odd to me too.

Supervolcano Awakening

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Quote of the Day

A long-slumbering “supervolcano” in Italy is getting closer to a potential eruption for the first time since 1538, a new study warns — and the consequences could be catastrophic.

…

If Campi Flegrei were to reenact its largest previous eruption, it would punch molten rock and volcanic gases high into the stratosphere, unleash 100-feet-high (33.5 meters) tsunamis and spread a plume of sulfur and toxic ash that could plunge Earth into global winter for years — killing crops and causing mass extinctions.

Ben Turner
June 19, 2023
Europe’s most dangerous ‘supervolcano’ could be creeping toward eruption, scientists warn

Prepare appropriately.

I want my underground bunker in Idaho.

Of course, then, the Yellowstone supervolcano becomes a threat. I once read that if it were to blow like it did last time all life within a 600-mile circle would be killed. I looked at the distance from the center of the Yellowstone volcano to my property. It is about 325 miles. I should be fine.

7 Reasons Gun Control Will Make Your Family Safer

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Quote of the Day

To help you understand why putting new gun control laws in effect will make you and your family safer, The Babylon Bee has compiled this helpful list.

  1. There were no guns in the Bible: If God thought guns would keep you safe, He would have created them a long time ago and written about them in His Word.
  2. It allows you to trust the government to protect your family: And the government does EVERYTHING well and efficiently!
  3. Firing a gun gives people PTSD, which kills at least 12 million families per year: We’re getting PTSD just writing this article. You don’t want it. Trust us.
  4. There will be less conflict when your kids are taken to be raised by the state: No one will get hurt, and everyone will be better off in the long run!
  5. If you take guns away, all bad guys instantly become good guys: After all, it’s the guns that are evil, not human beings.
  6. If you don’t have a gun, you don’t have to spend money on ammo, and that money can then be used to purchase more COVID masks to protect your family: Forget the threat of crime and violence — everyone knows COVID is the real danger!
  7. Everyone respects laws: Even criminals know it’s best to follow the rules!

See? Gun control isn’t so bad after all!

The Babylon Bee
April 17, 2023
7 Reasons Gun Control Will Make Your Family Safer

You can always count on the Babylon Bee.

ATF humor

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Via BigRed:

Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up – fireman, truck driver, salesman. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some screaming ****** and take it up the ***.”

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little Johnny aside to ask him “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Johnny, “he’s really an atf agent, but I was too embarrassed to say”.

Fake but accurate.

Quote of the day—Larry Correia @monsterhunter45

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Talking about the new brace rules I just had some tough guy on FB tell me “who cares what the ATF says?”

Uh…

Everybody with a flammable house and a non-bulletproof dog should care. This is not an agency known for its calm nuanced approach.

Larry Correia @monsterhunter45
Tweeted on January 13, 2023
[He has a way with words*.

One of the comments included this suggestion:

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I can see that having some merit.

But I’m inclined to think you need an underground bunker with neighbors who can support you from the woods a half mile away. You keep the dog inside because the wolves and grizzlies would eat it instead of the unfriendly visitors camping out on your lawn.—Joe]

* I’m currently listening to his book, #1 in Customer Service The Complete Adventures of Tom Stranger. His humor probably isn’t for everyone but I think it is really funny.

Quote of the day—Handwaving Freakoutery

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Ladies and gentlemen of the 97 Percent panel, thank you for letting me participate in the conference today as a representative of the gun community. I appreciate and endorse your stated mission of reducing gun deaths in America by conducting original research to identify common ground, to change the conversation around gun safety to include gun owners, and to leverage technology to make our communities safer. All of these goals are goals that the gun community shares with you.

But I must tell you something very important.

I have never heard a more delusional, more dishonest stream of bad faith bullshit as I have just heard. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Handwaving Freakoutery
November 18, 2022
Ninety Seven Percent: Epistemic status: gun policy fiction based on that embarrassingly awful 97% zoom call yesterday
[Good fiction humor based on a lot of facts.—Joe]

Quote of the day—Curtis L. Spackleton

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My life was unbearable before I ordered high-quality merchandise from 2ndAmendmentShirts.com. My wife recently left me, I had just gotten fired from my job, I was losing my hair, and I lived in a cardboard box in a sewer. That all began to change just minutes after ordering one T-shirt and one flag. My new wife is much prettier than my previous one. I make $3 million a year despite working only 10 minutes a day from my new home on my own private island. My hair has even grown back thicker than it was before. Thank you, 2ndAmendmentShirts.com – you have saved my life!

Curtis L. Spackleton
Pine Nut, Alabama
A Humorous Introduction to 2AS
[I suspect this may be hyperbola..

After all, who thinks the primary criteria to judge a wife by is how pretty they are?—Joe]

They are doing it wrong

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Really?

The fear of the use of nuclear weapons by Russia against Ukraine looms over the current crisis, but some Ukrainians have found a… creative solution.

A large group of Ukrainians has decided to organize a mass orgy to take place on a hill outside of Kyiv in case Putin does launch a nuclear bomb.

More than 15,000 have already registered on Telegram for the sex party. The mass orgy will take place on a hill outside the city where the participants would be asked to decorate their hands with colored stripes, symbolizing their sexual interests. If you are considering participating – three stripes are for anal sex lovers and four stripes are for oral sex lovers.

That’s pretty messed up as far as I’m concerned. You should stay in your bunkers.

The orgy is after you know you have survived all the firestorms and fallout.