Category Archives: Sex

This tends toward the academic rather than the erotic. But not entirely.

Bra stories

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Last night Barb L and I were hanging out with a bunch of friends. The woman who, a few months ago, reported breast enlargement after frequent “Dr. Joe’s Cure for Everything” treatments was there. She was telling all her friends, “See! Look at this! I went from an ‘A’ cup to a ‘C’!” “And”, she continued, pointing to her boyfriend, “It’s all because of him!” At first people thought he had paid for a boob job. Nope; It was the continuing application of the treatments advocated by Dr. Joe.

Apparently five minutes of continuous orgasms once a day (she claims, “I didn’t even know that was possible!”) for a few months stimulates enough hormones to dramatically affect breast size. She says she is continuing the treatments and is increasing the frequency of treatments to twice a day. She went on to say, perhaps jokingly, that she anticipates another increase of two cup sizes in a few more months.

Since she gives Dr. Joe partial credit I asked for pictures. This evening I received this picture:

V__03F6

Yeah. Not quite what I was hoping for either.

Entirely by coincidence I stumbled across this blog post yesterday. She references Dressed To Kill: The Link between Breast Cancer and Bras.

She claims:

  • Women who do not wear bras (or rarely ever) have a risk of 1 in 168 chance of developing breast cancer.
  • Women who wear a bra less than 12 hours a day have a 1 in 152 chance of developing breast cancer.
  • Women who wear a bra more than 12 hours a day, but not to sleep have a 1 in 7 chance of developing breast cancer.
  • Women who wear a bra 24 hours a day have a 3 in 4 chance of developing breast cancer.

And of course there are the obvious conclusions that a guy like me would love to endorse but further research on my part turns up this information:

The book’s claim that bras cause breast cancer has been dismissed by the medical and scientific communities; the National Cancer Institute, the American Cancer Society, and the National Institutes of Health have all concluded that there is no link between bra use and breast cancer.

Heavy sigh. I’m probably too honest. I’ve been accused of that before.

Quote of the day—J

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Now I want a Windows phone. You’ve done what the marketing department at Microsoft could not.

J
June 12, 2013
[This was in response to my post about “shipping” my exterior ballistics app for Windows Phone.

That’s pretty pleasing because one of the things that weighs heavy on my mind is that, as Barb L., reminded me the night before I submitted the app is that, “This is for people that are really into long range shooting and own a Windows Phone. That’s a pretty small market.”

Totally off topic. I don’t know who ‘J’ is in this context but my first thought was the author of this book. I’m pretty sure the author of that book wouldn’t use this gravatar so I can rule her out.

I remember Larry H. giving me copy of that book when he was finished with it. I was sophomore in high school at the time it opened my eyes about some things. Then my dad found it tucked behind some insulation in the attic and took it away.—Joe]

Quote of the day—Tim Wadsworth

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There’s an overall increase in sense of well-being that comes with engaging in sex more frequently, but there’s also this relative aspect to it. Having more sex makes us happy, but thinking we are having more sex than other people makes us even happier.

Tim Wadsworth
April 2013
Keeping up with the Joneses? Having more sex than your friends makes you happier, study finds
[Well duh!

I just hope no tax money was used to do his study. But it’s difficult to imagine any private investors sponsoring such a thing so it probably many taken at the point of a gun.

There is in interesting angle about this. People are made happy if they are better off than their neighbors. Or, put another way, people are less happy if their neighbors are better off than them. The progressives/communists prey upon this unhappiness and offer to bring the haves down to the level of the have-nots.

So when the communists get their way and everyone has equal material possessions and people are still not equally happy because of disparate quality or quantity of sex what will they advocate for then? Will people with super model appearances be required to “share” with the “less fortunate”?—Joe]

Quote of the day—Cook’s Helper

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Cook: [Pointing to a very well endowed woman’s breast area] You have some soup on your shirt there.

Cook’s Helper: Damn!

Cook’s Helper 2: Would like someone to lick it off for you?

Cook’s Helper: One of my three partners will get to it before you could.

Overheard April 13, 2013
[I have interesting friends.—Joe]

Five year plan?

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From Tyler Durden:

Yesterday Senator Tom Harkin introduced S. 544, “a bill to require the President to develop a comprehensive national manufacturing strategy.”

In effect, Senator Harkin wants the President to centrally plan the economy. Never mind that the President has zero experience in business or manufacturing. But hey, this worked out so well for Stalinist Russia, it’s no wonder Mr. Harkin wants to copy that model.

If I were emperor of the U.S. I could come up with a plan that outperform anything the President could accomplish in five years and have it implemented in five days. It’s really simple:

Government shall make no law restricting the free association of people other than a tax on retail sales not to exceed 5% and to enforce contracts freely entered into by people and companies.

All waste products shall be safely contained or returned to the natural environment in such a manner that those people responsible for producer of said waste are willing to build their own homes on, eat, breath, or drink said waste products.

In five years there would so much wealth generated there would be private companies with terraforming Mars, robots bringing mining products back from the asteroid belt, and sex tourists going on vacations to the resorts in low earth orbit.

Dr. Joe’s cure for migraines

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H/T to Barron for the email.

There is evidence that Dr. Joe’s Cure for everything works for migraines:

“There’s a [portion] of patients with migraines, about one-third, who experience relief from a migraine attack by sexual activity,” said study researcher Stefan Evers, a neurologist and headache specialist at the University of Münster in Germany.

The researchers aren’t sure why this happens, but hypothesize that the rush of endorphins, the brain’s natural painkillers, during sex may numb the pain of migraines.

Previous confirmation of this were preliminary. These results were based on a larger sample than had previously been reported.

I recommend using Dr. Joe’s cure prophylactically instead of waiting for the onset of symptoms but more tests are needed. Please send me your videos so I can study the issue further.

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Breast enlargement

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I’m not a fan of breast implants. Sure, if there has been disease or injury then I think it’s fine. But I would never encourage a woman in my life to go through such a thing strictly to get bigger boobs.

However I recently received a report on breast enlargement that Dr. Joe approves of. A friend reports that her breasts in middle age and after multiple children were “showing their age”. Although not large they were sagging. A few months ago she started a program of “sexual rehabilitation” after many years of infrequent and, at best, unsatisfying sex. She now reports her breasts are larger and no longer sag. She attributes this to much more frequent and satisfying sex. “Its the hormones!”, she claims. And, no, she isn’t pregnant.

The climax, so to speak, of her rehabilitation came with the winning of an amateur strip contest last Wednesday. She won $100 and got lots of compliments from both women and men.

I was hoping to get before and after pictures to post but I don’t think that is going to happen any time soon.

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What’s wrong with this picture…

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…is what’s wrong with society. You all have gotten some version this spam e-mail, usually from a .ru domain;

“You know, they are so many people in the world, but some of them are alone, because they didn’t find their halfs yet, as it is so hard.
If you are alone and want to find your love, you can write me and we’ll start communicating. I’m alone and looking for a good man, who will give me his love and care. Who knows, maybe we can fill up our lonely hearts with love.”

If you’re looking for someone else to make you whole, you’re looking in the wrong place. If you want to be wanted, if you desire to be desired, if you need to be needed, you are part of the problem.

I cringed when one my many nephews said, right after he’d been divorced within a year or two of being married, that he’d found this other woman, and how great she was, and how they were meant for each other and he knew it because of some mundane coincidence or other. The ink on the divorce papers was still drying. I didn’t know what to say at the time, but he was running from one hell-of-his-own-devising and straight into another.

No, Young Grasshopper; if you’re not whole, or complete already, no one else can make you whole. If you’re searching for someone else to make you whole, you’re looking for love in all the wrong places. You’ll be let down, because getting what you want, the way you want it, is impossible. You’ll feel betrayed, because what you thought you had was something you can never have. This is the stuff of murder, of self destruction and suicide. It’s what’s wrong with our whole society.

Those in government (and gangs) know just enough about this to take advantage of it. We look to them for “salvation” of one kind or another when all they have to offer is entrapment. They want to own you in the same way you want to own someone else, or be owned by someone else. They want you dependent on them in the same way you want to depend on someone else, or you want someone dependent on you. They want you to need them in the same way you need other people, or you want other people to need you. This is the stuff of mass destruction, war and mass death.

That word we throw around so much in America, Independence, I am only just realizing, has a far deeper meaning than I’d previously suspected, and I think it is extremely important.

None of this stuff is new, and so these words aren’t mine. It’s as old as the hills, and yet we fall for this trap over and over.

BIPES

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It started when I was a small child. I knew I was somehow different from many of the other children I played with. As I grew older, I sensed the difference – while other boys played football or dreamed about their first car, I’d collect my .22 and some ammo and stroll down to the rifle range on our farm to go plinking. When I became a teenager, my Dad’s gift of a .30-06 triggered a familiar tugging sensation. On my 21st birthday, when I received a Colt Trooper for a birthday present, I knew.

Like many millions of similar unfortunate Americans, I suffer from Ballistically Induced Penis Enlargement Syndrome (BIPES). Endowed with small penises (or in some cases, no penis at all) sufferers of this malady feel a psychological imperative to compensate for penis size by the acquisition of firearms.

Unfortunately, in a liberal world that enthusiastically embraces other sexual identity crises, those with BIPES find themselves the butt of ridicule and mockery. None would dare mock a member of the LGBTQ community – in fact, there are special hate speech laws that provide extra protections for this group. Taxpayer monies are spent to surgically correct the physical configurations of women who want to gain a penis, or men who want to discard a penis.

Yet, within this liberal Utopia of sexual identity empathy, victims of BIPES – a group that outnumbers the LGBTQ community manyfold – and even intersects it in some cases –  are outcasts. How can liberals be so unfeeling? Why does this bigotry against such a widespread, yet innocuous medical condition prevail? No protections exist for hate speech against gun owners, who ironically have the skills and means to act upon violent threats efficiently and effectively, but patiently endure the threats and epithets. The treatment for BIPES victims is heavily taxed, restricted, and constantly threatened with eradication. And if, by some chance, a gun is used in a crime, the entire community is threatened with extinction. If a lesbian commits a sex crime, is there a liberal outcry to ban dildos?

It’s time for the tide to turn. BIPES sufferers need to embrace our affliction and demand our due. With gender-change operations costing tens of thousands of dollars, and the cost for AIDS treatments spiraling upwards, is it too much to ask for BIPES patients to also receive the treatment we so desperately require? With quarterly to yearly treatments, BIPES can be controlled. Many BIPES patients struggle to find funds for treatment. Some go without.  In a nation where every other sexual malady has become a matter of public health concern, with funding available for treatment, the relatively low cost of treating BIPES should not be a concern.

Help treat BIPES, provide us with the treatment we need. Cease the mocking.

End the embarrassment and embrace us in your liberal fold.

A Barrett .50 is worth a year of compensation – please help.

Quote of the day—Ann Tinkham

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If Freud were alive today, he just might contend that gun-obsessed guys in America never made it out of the phallic stage. With such a fun plaything, who would want to—right? If you substitute “penis” for “gun” in our national discourse, you’ll understand the gun thing. The right to bear a “gun.” Obama’s not going to take away my “gun.”

…

Gun owners contend that they should have the right to a concealed carry and should be able to stand their ground, in other words, whip it out whenever they feel threatened or whenever they feel like it period. Whip it. Whip it good.

If you’re reading this and you’re filled with indignation, you may just need a high-capacity gun to make up for your shortcomings. In the meantime, I’d recommend some good old fashioned Freudian analysis to move past the phallic stage.

Ann Tinkham
January 23, 2013
Freud and the Right to Bear Arms
H/T to timmytink (@timmytink) who, on January 30, 2013, tweeted:

[It’s another Markley’s Law Monday!

Amazingly enough there is a lot more in her blog post. What isn’t amazing is that my friendly comment congratulating her on becoming QOTD for a Markley’s Law Monday was in moderation for a while then deleted (Reasoned Discoursetm!). Anti-gun people are so predictable. It’s no wonder we have names for their behavior. I’ll bet evidence of Peterson Syndrome would be easy to find too.

She really gets into the gun equals penis thing. I started wondering if it was penis/gun envy or simple deprivation. It doesn’t really matter though. Dr. Joe’s cure for everything should solve her problems.—Joe]

Word of the day—compersion

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Barb L. and I were chatting with some friends last night and a woman who sometimes teaches classes on various sex techniques used the word compersion in a conversation. I had not heard of it before. The definition is sometimes given as the opposite of jealousy. Or even “a fiery core of passion” at seeing your “significant other” with a lover.

I suppose it is significant that jealousy is a far better known word than its opposite.

Quote of the day—Barb L.

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Dating you has somehow made me a dude magnet.

Barb L.
Via text message to me on December 27, 2012.
[I’m not surprised. It’s that smile on her face all the time.—Joe]

Preventing breast cancer

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I’d consider a change in careers but this is probably a job where you pay rather than get paid to provide a service:

A little squeeze may be all that it takes to prevent malignant breast cells triggering cancer, research has shown.

Quote of the day—Barb L.

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You are just so hot when you carry a rifle. Isn’t that weird?

Barb L.
December 15, 2012
[This was when I had just come back from a “Practical Rifle” match.

Yup. That’s weird alright. But I’m okay with it.–Joe]

Symbiotic Relationship of Metabolic Heat Generation Differences of Sexes

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The following text has been in one or more obscure and seldom visited directories of my computers for many years. The timestamp on the file is January 18, 1995 but most likely I put it on one of my computers shortly after it was posted in the UseNet newsgroup misc.kids. My kids were young then and I read the newsgroup regularly. Hence, this probably has been on my computers for over 20 years.

I’m posting it here because every once in a while I want to share it and I have difficulty finding it. I think this will be an easier place to find it and more likely to be permanent.

From: berkery@emsun1.crd.ge.com Wed Oct 17 05:33:39 1990
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Cold Feet
Organization: General Electric Corporate R&D Center

A few people have asked me to elaborate on that last statement in my previous posting. You know, the one about women and cold feet. So, ok, here’s yet another note from Jack’s compendium of little known scientific theories.
—————————————————————————
“Symbiotic Relationship of Metabolic Heat Generation Differences of Sexes.”
by Berke Jackery

Darwin and his successors have tried to explain physiological traits in animal species as the result of adaptation to environmental effects. There is one such proof for a certain trait in the human species which is obvious to even the most casual observer. That no one has heretofore published this fact is quite amazing since it is so immediately obvious. I’m talking about COLD FEET in females of the species homo sapiens.

It is a fact that women’s metabolism levels are not sufficient to generate enough heat to keep all their extremities warm. Over the millennia they have found that the agony of de feet can be alleviated by finding a suitable male who’s heat generation capacity can satisfy their needs. Males of the same species have metabolic rates which produce an overabundance of energy in the form of radiated heat. (Often their bodies produce excesses which are not converted to energy but are expressed as large quantities of methane gas.) This uneven heat generative difference between the sexes has evolved a symbiotic relationship where those who require it will attempt to attract the services of those who can produce it. The result is that when the two get between the sheets, the female will contrive to move her icy toes (some have been measured at temperatures close to absolute zero) toward and even under some part of the male’s anatomy thereby stealing his heat.

The male however, seldom even notices this stealthy behavior since whenever any portion of the female anatomy rubs up against any portion of his, his temperature immediately rises several hundred degrees to balance the process. The procreation process of the species is likewise related to this need to exchange heat. When the female feels the need for some whole-body heat rather than a simple toe-job, or when the male on the other hand has such an excess of heat that he must have a receptive heat-sink to take it from him, the relationship requires that far more body parts be rubbed together. The symbiosis is then complete and the male – female bonding remains intact solely because of this need for an interchange of body heat.

The alternative would have been to evolve a system similar to many insects where the female gets some hapless male to satisfy her needs then summarily bites his head off thereby severing the relationship altogether. Luckily for human males, their mate still has that all-consuming need for warmth whether or not he has ever fully satisfied her. So he is kept around as long as he continues to provide some convenient spot to warm her toes.

That, at any rate is the theory, but I think it’s a very solid one. How else can you explain why women would want to sleep next to a large hairy beast that sweats and snores and farts and grinds its teeth all night. Let’s face it guys, we’re really nothing more than giant heating pads for these females. But, well, when one considers the payment for services rendered, I can live with that. I’ve got lots of excess body heat to spare.
—————————————————————————
Jack Berkery, Computer Scientist, GE Research, Schenectady NY

Keeping the streets clean

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Well… I suppose this is one way to encourage people to keep their cars cleaner and make the streets look nicer:

A MASSAGE parlour and a car wash outlet in Sunway Mentari have given new meaning to the phrase “customer loyalty”. They have come up with a creative way to entice more customers to engage their services by offering free sex after nine car washes.

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Quote of the day—Anonymous

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Now that you said “lubricant” I think I should shake your hand.

Anonymous
A woman at the Gun Blogger Rendezvous,
September 8, 2012
[No. It wasn’t me she was talking to. I was between her and the person she shook hands with.

In some ways this GBR was far more “interesting” than any previous one I have been to. There are stories from this event that will last a lifetime and will probably never be told involving a woman licking a stripper’s breast, whiskey to be licked off one another, 2 Women 1 Cup (DO NOT WATCH IT! I haven’t and neither should you), Jar Squatter (DO NOT WATCH IT! I haven’t and neither should you) and the hand on my thigh as a certain someone told me they were going to bed.

Being the guardian of morals that I am I took it upon myself to do something about this. I was able to get the two people I believe were most responsible for the decadence to agree to attend Boomershoot 2013.—Joe]

More support for Dr. Joe’s cure

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This (spelling errors corrected below) should be no surprise to those who use Dr. Joe’s cure for everything:

The study by State University of New York found that semen contains potent “mood-altering chemicals” that can do wonderful things for a woman’s body and mind.

This study was done from a survey of 293 college females from the university’s Albany campus, who agreed to fill out an anonymous questionnaire about various aspects of their sex lives and then they then compared those responses to how the women viewed their mental health.

Earlier research had shown that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevates mood, increase affection, induces sleep and also contains at least three anti-depressants.

Apparently men were endowed with a nifty combination of mood enhancers that don’t get the credit they deserve. Along with spermatozoa, semen also contains cortisol–which increases affection; estrogen–which makes you happier; and oxytocin, another powerful mood elevator, reports the Daily Mail.

Of course in many ways the study was a waste of money because, as the article points out, the conclusions should be well known to almost everyone:

As if that weren’t enough, semen naturally contains two other antidepressants, including well-known serotonin, and sleep-inducing melatonin. So after you get really happy, you go to sleep. (We needed a study to tell us that?)

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Overheard

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This is an actual conversation. It has been slightly modified to enhance comedic effect. Names have been withheld to protect the guilty.


Gal: So what was she wearing?
Guy: Uhh… Clothes?
Gal: Wrong answer!
Guy: I’m pretty sure I would have noticed if she wasn’t wearing clothes. That is one of the things I check for. So I don’t think I got that answer wrong.
Gal: You can do better. Women put a lot of effort into choosing just the right clothes. But I suppose it’s good to know that guys don’t pay any attention.
Guy: I probably shouldn’t say this but I’ve read that women dress to impress and show dominance over other women rather than to get the attention of men. If they were interested in getting the attention of men they wouldn’t bother with clothes.
Gal: You’re right. You shouldn’t have said that.


Update: I have a report on what she was wearing. From top to bottom:



  • Light green scarf with images of Bugs Bunny on it.
  • Sunglasses.
  • Gold earrings.
  • Gold necklace that said “Go for it”.
  • White knit sweater.
  • White blouse.
  • Gold bracelet.
  • Blue jeans.
  • White sport shoes with pink laces.

I suppose someone somewhere is happier now.

Truth

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crazy_straws

The gun culture is a prime example. Think of hunters, competitors, open carry, concealed carry, collectors, etc.

Other human cultures I have observed (such as software developers, boating, and sex) exhibit the same characteristic.