I have interviewed a number of women on the topic of monogamy and/or the lack of it in their relationships. Numerous women told me things which indicate to me it was virtually impossible for them to be happy in a monogamous relationship.
Here are some sample quotes (paraphrased for conciseness):
- After that threesome with two men I realized I could never be in a monogamous relationship again.
- My husband is a great guy and a wonderful father. He is good looking and good shape. I just don’t want to have sex with him. I want to have sex with a half dozen different strange men at the same time.
- After being married for two years I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to have something more so I divorced him. I married a second time and the same thing happened again. They were both good men and they did nothing wrong. It was me. I just feel comfortable at the sex club. It feels right to me.
- My husband and I estimate I have has sex with about 600 different men since we have been married. I can’t imagine it any other way.
- All people want to do this sort of thing (sex with multiple people). The ones that say they don’t are lying to themselves and/or others.
- I was monogamous in my first marriage. We had lots of great sex but there were other things wrong in the marriage. After getting divorced I discovered there was a sex club nearby. In the first year after joining I had sex with 600 different men. Not 600 times in that year, 600 different men. Multiple times with many of them. Now I create my own parties for people in private homes and nothing gives me greater joy than seeing women discover their true sexual nature like I did.
Numerous other women tell me they simply don’t have an urge to have sexual relationships outside of their committed relationship. I believed them because they were in a safe place to be completely honest about their feelings.
There were others which described a middle ground of some sort. Yes, they had been unfaithful for a while but that was when their primary relationship was bad and in their current multi-year/decade relationship it wasn’t a problem.
I didn’t see any environmental factors which could explain the difference so I concluded there was likely a genetic factor.
Now there is evidence confirming my hypothesis:
The Surprisingly Strong Link Between Genetics and Infidelity | Psychology Today
- Monozygotic twins are more similar to one another in the likelihood of being unfaithful than dizygotic twins.
- It is estimated that between 40-60 percent of the variation in infidelity can be explained by genetic factors.
- Research attempting to link infidelity to specific genes has been largely unsuccessful.
…
In Cherkas et al.’s research, concordance rates were significantly higher for MZ (46%) than DZ (32%) twins, suggesting that “MZ co-twins are approximately one-and-a-half times more likely to be unfaithful if their co-twin has been unfaithful as compared with DZ co-twins.” When adjusting for factors such as number of sexual partners and age, the authors estimated that 41% of the variation in infidelity in this sample was due to genetic factors, a “heritability estimate.” By contrast, the shared environment in which twins were raised did not contribute to twins’ concordance rates.
…
Zietsch et al. calculated heritability estimates of 63% for men and 40% for women, suggesting that for men as much as 63% of the variation in infidelity was due to genetic factors. While the estimate for women was very close to the earlier estimate calculated by Cherkas et al., the estimate for men was much stronger than the heritability estimate for women, potentially suggesting a stronger genetic basis for infidelity in men vs. women.
I find this fascinating. How can such complex behavior/urges be influenced by differences in brain chemistry or some such thing? How is this behavior controlled at the genetic level rather than via rational thought?
I am, again, left with the conclusion that rational thought is a very thin veneer over the mind of most people.
“What a fool believes, he sees. The wise man has the power to reason away”
We are given reason to know truth, and not be slaves to whim and emotion.
The first group and the resultant uncertainty of paternity is why nearly all cultures have treated women as property and enforced “ownership” but there are still women involved in prostitution. Secondly, sex is risky and there is some evidence that certain parasites increase risk-taking behavior, especially sexual risk-taking (as a means to spread). Third, see Anon Conserv’s book on r/K selection.
WRT my first point, a highly promiscuous situation is bad for child-rearing, and while a society can tolerate a small amount of that, if too many women do that then the productivity of the men plummets (why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, and nobody wants to marry a slut, and marriage gives a reason a strong motivation to be a solid and stable provider). We are at the weak men / slutty women part of the civilization cycle that precedes civ collapse. I’m expecting a strong pendulum swing back in the coming decade against promiscuous behavior (for both men and women).
I would like to suggest you read some books on the topic.
Far from all cultures have been concerned with paternity. Read Sex At Dawn to address that misconception.
Sex, as all activities (and inactivity) has risks. One of the most amazing things I discovered was that STI rates are essentially the same with some studies indicating the STI rates are slightly lower in the consensually nonmonogamous. See for example:
https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article-abstract/12/10/2022/6966715
and https://www.apadivisions.org/division-44/publications/newsletters/division/2017/06/non-monogamy.
The researchers have a generally agreed upon hypothesis for this. I have a different one, but that topic is beyond the scope of a blog comment.
Most of the women I interviewed had happy marriages and, as near as I could tell, happy, successful, and well-adjusted children.
Your assertion “nobody wants to marry a slut” is flat out wrong. There are supposedly many websites which cater to men searching for their own “hotwife”.
I wasn’t able to find any in my quick search and just found https://ourhotwives.org/ this via a book I recently finished reading:Insatiable Wives which is about men who are typically monogamous while knowing, watching, and/or participating as their wives have dozens or hundreds of other partners.
Humans tend to want what they want regardless. That includes unlimited sex with whoever turns them on at that moment. But a strong, functional society requires that people control themselves. Thus for much of the industrial age rampant sex, while it occurred, was frowned upon and one engaged in it at their own risk. That
has changed. And along with that change we are seeing the disintegration of a society that formerly functioned well….well enough to place us at a technological pinnacle. Giving in to urges, including sex leads to dysfunction. Learning self control, including sexual urges leads to success. This isn’t complicated. Not popular, but not complicated.
The research in Insatiable Wives indicates the level of function is equal to or greater than in monogamous relationships.
This is a good example of why God and morality were taught in schools. Most of what we see in the news today is a consequence of removing that. Except for the ‘homeless’-related issues, which were caused by the same mindset.
Pearl Davis has much to say about the differences between men and women in this respect.
There is a tic-tok trend of mothers abusing their children’s trust (usually toddlers) by breaking an egg on their head unexpectedly.
There is in interesting difference in the general responses of the toddlers’, by sex.
Wild female promiscuity has been associated with lack of a father in the home. Was there any look at this possibility?
I have heard that as well. But that was nearly 40 years ago.
I did not see any obvious correlation in my small sample. There is literature which supports that claim but my quick review of it seems to indicate they were looking at age of first sexual experience and teen pregnancy.
The women I interviewed and were studied in the books I read were older. For example, the women who currently puts on sex parties and loves to see women discover “their true sexual nature” didn’t become promiscuous until her mid 20s and is now in her late 70s.
If anything, I was struck by the number of women in my sample who had very few, or even zero(!) sexual partners before they were married. If it were a lack of father issue I would expect it would appear long before their mid 20s or even 40s as many in my samples related.
Fascinating what makes humans tick. Maybe it grew as a defense mechanism for not getting clubbed and drug-off during the ice-age?
Yaaa, your ugly, and ya smell, but i’ll do ya anyway. Type thing?
Billy Squiers, Everybody wants you. Comes to mind. as things get old; “Look in the mirror and patch it up around the seams.” Is the sad end.
Jesus talked to the woman at the well. “Well said you have no husband, for you have had five. And the one you have now is not your husband.”
So, I guess this ain’t anything new.
Life is a fight. And the biggest battle is always going to be going on inside you.
Choose wisely, grasshopper.
Anyhow, like granny said. Just because you CAN, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
Only a fool doesn’t pay his vow before God.
DNA testing has shown that 10% of children in families are not fathered by the husband. I don’t recall any of the parameters of this testing.
How much does the current level of birth control tech affect the thinking or drive for this sort of excessive sexual activity?
Read Sex at Dawn. I don’t think the tech has anything to do with the drive. It’s been going on for thousands of years. The Internet does make it easier to find people with a similar desire.
Like always.
Some do, some don’t.
Indeed… My ex wife was so asexual I still struggle to understand normal female sexuality.
No one “gets” women. My advice: you’ll go crazy if you try.
If a guy is lucky he can get one to follow him around for a while. If he’s really lucky she’ll follow him around for the rest of his life. But there are no guarantees.