Defeating the TSA

If there isn’t a law or regulation against this there probably will be shortly.

A friend of mine suggested this but I’ll leave his name out of it unless he tells me otherwise.

First you go to your local sex toy store and buy the biggest, most realistic dildo you can find. Before going through security you attach it such that is hangs down your leg in a realistic fashion. You then opt out for backscatter nude pictures. It will pass through the metal detector just fine but if they do a full pat-down they are going to find it.

Now—what are they going to do?

If they let you through because they figure that is just part of your normal “equipment” then you have just demonstrated you can defeat their three ounce rule with your three pounder.

If they insist on a full examination they are going to have to take you all the way down to the bare skin (and silicone rubber). This will take additional time. If large numbers of people do this then it drives the WAY cost up and makes the body scanners almost pointless.

For bonus points (and this was part of my friend’s suggestion) you do this with a bunch of guys going through as a group with tickets to Las Vegas. You volunteer that you are going for a “special ladies event”.

The same sort of approach can be done by the women with fake breasts.

Remember, TSA backwards is A Security Theater.


5 thoughts on “Defeating the TSA

  1. Ever go into any of the big sex toy shops in Vegas? I wouldn’t recommend buying the “biggest” dildo you can find because it’s likely to be 3 feet long and 6″ in diameter. If you don’t get a pat down, it would be damn hard to sit in a seat on the plane with that thing in your pants.

  2. And of course singling out women with massive breasts, or men with monster hogs is a form of sexual discrimination, and I’m sure the ACLU might be interested (if they’re representing civil liberties that week…)

    Ubu does make a great point. I remember seeing in a sex shop a line of dildos that were life-casts of famous porn stars. Grabbing the John Holmes, or Ron Jeremy models would in fact give you equipment that is both remarkably large (and capable of containing all sorts of dangerous stuff if you were so inclined) but very much true-to-life.

    A friend who ran a boarding home for mentally retarded adults also noted that there were a few genetic disorders that phenotypically were linked to abnormally large members. Again strong discrimination suit right there.

  3. ubu52,

    I also said “most realistic”.

    I’ve not been to a sex shop in Vegas but I have seen one of that size (or larger) at a shop in the Seattle area.

  4. Three words – and I’m surprised some enterprising terrorists haven’t tried it yet: Semtex breast implants.

    How big an explosion could you get out of a pair of DD’s?

  5. Jonah Falcon must have a wonderful time at airports.
    13.5 and all natural. So maybe don’t go any longer than the current world record.

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