In the comments to my most recently posted “Quote of the day” it was pointed out to me (thank you Greg) that Claire Wolfe has modified her position on it being “too early to shoot the bastards”. She, as of August 9, 2004, says,
I can no longer think of any moral reason not to “shoot the bastards.”
Putting aside for a moment that I do not regard Ms. Wolfe as my “moral compass“, this change in position brings up some very interesting questions for people wishing to start hunting bastards:
- What calibers are most effective and practical for hunting bastards?
- Is there a special season for bow hunters?
- Are there any restrictions on weights, genders, or ages?
- How does one positively identify bastards?
- Are nets, barbed hooks, traps and/or poisons allowed?
- Are explosives allowed? If so, are their restrictions on the size and type of explosives? How about on the size, composition, and weight of shrapnel?
- Is baiting allowed?
- If baits are allowed are there any effective baits other than the obvious young women, money, and alcohol?
- I realize clubbing baby seals is frowned upon, but what about clubbing bastards?
- Are there any hunting guides that specialize in hunting bastards?
- Can habitat destruction be utilized to reduce the number of bastards?
- Where does one buy their hunting license for bastard shooting?
- Are tags required?
- What is the bag limit?
- Are out of state hunters charged more for their license and tags?
- Is there a particular season for shooting bastards?
- Are there particular habitats where bastards flourish?
- Are there restrictions on shooting them during certain parts of the day?
- Is bastard meat safe for consumption by domestic animals? Or must it be used for compost only?
- Are the hunting zones broken down by precinct, county, congressional district, or state boundaries?
- What hunting zones have the highest concentration of bastards?
- Are there any bastard reserves where bastard hunting is prohibited?
- May bastards be shot in their nests with their young?
- Can bastards be made into trophies?
- Are there taxidermists that specialize in bastards?
- Are there any Boone and Crockett type scoring systems for determining if you have bagged a record setting bastard?
- Does PETA or any other “animal rights” group protest the hunting of bastards? Is there an season and/or bag limits for them?
- What if bastard hunting becomes extremely popular and bastards become an endangered species? Will there be conservation groups similar to Ducks Unlimited and the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation?
- Any idea who might want to be founding members of Bastards Unlimited? Is there an season and/or bag limits for them?
- Are there NRA hunter education classes available for hunting bastards?
You know… with all these questions I don’t think I’m quite ready for bastard hunting yet. I’ll keep you posted though. And it’s not like I haven’t given this some thought before.