Update to car burglary

Yesterday:

The insurance company called and resolved the details of the claim. I should be getting my compensation any day now. Most of my replacement items are in hand already.

Today:

The responding officer replied to my email asking if the guy the caught on Thursday was involved in my case:

Hi Joe,

I believe the guys caught were not involved in your prowl and I have not heard of any of your property popping up yet but hopefully soon.

Side note:

Ry pointed out the stupidity of attempting to evade a police dog close on your tail:

Crappler319

Anyone who flees on foot when the cops have a dog is a god damned moron.

At that point, you can either go to prison, or go to the hospital and then go to prison. You’re not going to outrun any German Shepherd, and chasing and biting people is literally this specific dog’s favorite thing. Motherfucker loves to bite people. He’s probably spent most of his life, since he was a puppy, being trained to chase and bite motherfuckers. This shit is like the Super Bowl and Grad night all rolled together for him.

You see how he’s pulling on his harness? He’s like “FUCKING, LET ME GO! LET ME BITE HIM! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU I’M A DOG! I’M A DOOOOOOG FUCK YOOOOU! I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP AS SOON AS HE LETS GO OF ME I SWEAR TO GOD, I SWEAR TO GOD LET ME GO LET ME GO IWANNABITEHIMSOBAD LET ME GO LETMEFUCKINGGOOOOOOOO”

He does that every time, and his handler pretty much NEVER lets him do his thing. And now, this time, miraculously, he has. He’s let go of the harness, and now this majestic beast is at last fulfilling his purpose as a living missile, and my god is he ever thrilled about it.

And you, with your stumpy little human legs, overabundance of slow twitch muscle fibers, and soft, delicate skin, are going to try to run from this 80 lb mass of muscle and enthusiasm with a bear trap on the end? Good luck, you stupid, stupid asshole. I’ll see you in the Timothy Treadwell Memorial Ward for People Who Predictably Had Their Shit Ruined by Large Predators. Shine on, you idiotic diamond.

I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and there were tears running down my face. But maybe that is because for now I have a “special place” in my heart for people who steal things from cars.

9 thoughts on “Update to car burglary

  1. Thanks a friggin’ lot! I just irritated everyone around me by reading this out loud and giggling hysterically. Made my day!

  2. Hey, at least your auto intruder didn’t spend the night sleeping in the backseat of your car after he broke into it. Mine in Baltimore 20 years ago did. His smell took a lot of scrubbing to remove from the vehicle.

  3. The dog’s ability is directly related to the handler. I’ve been around the local PD dog’s that couldn’t find their own butt to lick. After initial training the handler just wanted somebody to ride around in the car with. What a waste.

    The other end of the spectrum were some Philly PD dogs. SOP was if the handler released the dog, all the cops climbed up on the nearest car. Philly dogs bit everybody; perps, police, their handlers and onlookers.

  4. It’s actually worse than what you describe, if that is possible.
    Say Mr. Mensa is run down by the dog, or say he does not run, but surrenders with all possible haste right there in front of the handler as he releases the dog. Say Mr. Mensa then receives a mauling, despite not attempting to run, that makes ground meat look like it is identifiable as to what animal it was. Mr. Mensa member sues for excessive force or police brutality, or whatever is the fashionable complaint du jour.
    Toughski shitski, Mr. Mensa, that was a dog, not a police officer, and it can’t be held to police brutality standards.
    Say, on the other hand, that Mr. Mensa is a giant of a man, and manages to punch the police dog into next week, thereby saving himself from becoming a record holder for number of stitches applied at the local hospital. Despite not being mauled, Mr. Mensa is still in a world of hurt, because despite having teeth no DDS ever capped for Officer Friendly, Mr. Mensa ASSAULTED A POLICE OFFICER, with all the consequences those words carry.

    I hope this helps make you feel better. After our garage was broken-into and two tool boxes and a roll-away cabinet of tools were taken, I had fantasies of a van-sized ship’s horn activated by the garage door as the thieves returned for seconds.

  5. Used to train my old (deceased) German Shepherd Dog for search & rescue. Our chief trainer did training for Sheriff’s Dept, and her personal dogs WERE trained for other things than locating lost people… Like biting the bejesus out of folks who needed that.

    Funniest thing I ever saw… Training video. Her 45lb. female Malinois, doing an attack on a 6’4″ guy wearing the “bite suit”. Guy has his left arm extended, dog is hanging off of his left forearm, feet about 3′ off the ground while he rather gently beats the dog about the body with a stick held in his right hand. Dog is not even SLIGHTLY fazed, keeps on hanging by it’s jaws, very happily saying (free translation): I’M ATTACKING! SEE ME, I’M ATTACKING!!! GRRRR!!! I’M YER WURST NIGHTMARE!!!!!!

    (Later , I had to hide in a snowdrift for over an hour while this dog ran my trail and searched for me. She was quite visibly disappointed I had the “reward toy” red rubber ball, and was not legitimate biting material… But she worked it like the pro she was, and played fetch until the handler arrived)

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