It started when I was a small child. I knew I was somehow different from many of the other children I played with. As I grew older, I sensed the difference – while other boys played football or dreamed about their first car, I’d collect my .22 and some ammo and stroll down to the rifle range on our farm to go plinking. When I became a teenager, my Dad’s gift of a .30-06 triggered a familiar tugging sensation. On my 21st birthday, when I received a Colt Trooper for a birthday present, I knew.

Like many millions of similar unfortunate Americans, I suffer from Ballistically Induced Penis Enlargement Syndrome (BIPES). Endowed with small penises (or in some cases, no penis at all) sufferers of this malady feel a psychological imperative to compensate for penis size by the acquisition of firearms.

Unfortunately, in a liberal world that enthusiastically embraces other sexual identity crises, those with BIPES find themselves the butt of ridicule and mockery. None would dare mock a member of the LGBTQ community – in fact, there are special hate speech laws that provide extra protections for this group. Taxpayer monies are spent to surgically correct the physical configurations of women who want to gain a penis, or men who want to discard a penis.

Yet, within this liberal Utopia of sexual identity empathy, victims of BIPES – a group that outnumbers the LGBTQ community manyfold – and even intersects it in some cases –  are outcasts. How can liberals be so unfeeling? Why does this bigotry against such a widespread, yet innocuous medical condition prevail? No protections exist for hate speech against gun owners, who ironically have the skills and means to act upon violent threats efficiently and effectively, but patiently endure the threats and epithets. The treatment for BIPES victims is heavily taxed, restricted, and constantly threatened with eradication. And if, by some chance, a gun is used in a crime, the entire community is threatened with extinction. If a lesbian commits a sex crime, is there a liberal outcry to ban dildos?

It’s time for the tide to turn. BIPES sufferers need to embrace our affliction and demand our due. With gender-change operations costing tens of thousands of dollars, and the cost for AIDS treatments spiraling upwards, is it too much to ask for BIPES patients to also receive the treatment we so desperately require? With quarterly to yearly treatments, BIPES can be controlled. Many BIPES patients struggle to find funds for treatment. Some go without.  In a nation where every other sexual malady has become a matter of public health concern, with funding available for treatment, the relatively low cost of treating BIPES should not be a concern.

Help treat BIPES, provide us with the treatment we need. Cease the mocking.

End the embarrassment and embrace us in your liberal fold.

A Barrett .50 is worth a year of compensation – please help.


3 thoughts on “BIPES

  1. Satire. Of. The. Century.

    I bow unto you, sir. Your rhetorical judo is mighty indeed, and your name shall be revered alongside Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain in the annals of history. BRAVO!!

  2. Dang, how do I get signed up for treatments? I don’t have a list of therapies I would require….however, Diane Feinestein recently posted one that would work well for a starter list….:evil grin:

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