Quote of the day—Shalom Auslander

If we can’t federally mandate new gun laws, I say we pass a federal law that all American males over 18, without prejudice or exception, be required to shave the base of their cocks. Shaving the base of one’s cock is a time-honored, porno-tested method of making one’s penis appear larger than it really is. Will this rid the country of guns? No. And it shouldn’t. But I am convinced it will rid gun-owners of the need for ever bigger, more powerful “weapons,” and their insistence on shoving those compensatory bigger guns down our gagging, metaphoric throats.

Shalom Auslander
August 14, 2012
Guns, God and Other Pricks: Is Pubic Shaving the Solution to the Firearms Epidemic? — An immodest proposal for solving handgun proliferation
[It’s another Markley’s Law Monday!

H/T to David W. and Barron for the first emails. Numerous others also noticed.

Wow! Read the whole thing. This guy really has “a thing” for male genital. No argument for safety. No argument for local control in defiance of the McDonald decision. No argument that people will faint and spill their Starbucks coffee on their lap at the sight of a gun in plain view.

He is “convinced” that a perception of larger penises will “rid gun-owners of the need for ever bigger, more powerful ‘weapons’. I almost wish I had the time and interest to ask him how he determines truth from falsity and how he convinces himself of things in general. But I am nearly certain he doesn’t know himself.—Joe]

14 thoughts on “Quote of the day—Shalom Auslander

  1. He sure is an expert on how to really compensate for a tiny penis.

    I’m just saying. If I met someone who was a complete expert on how to work on Fiat Unos, I would assume that they had owned or had owned a Fiat Uno. That’s not the sort of knowledge you horde on a whim.

  2. How ironic. I thought a Jew would understand the importance of keeping and bearing arms, given the violence perpetrated upon Jews since 1936 or so. I acknowledge my potential mistake in assuming that Shalom Auslander is Jewish.

  3. Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t Freud’s “Penis Envy” Theory been consigned to the Dustbin of History along with the “Flat Earth” Theory? So one wonders what Shalom thinks about “the Negro Race” being “Sub-Human,” Women need to kept “BareFoot and Pregnant,” Gays need to be “Stoned to Death” and any other Vile, Reprehensible and Hateful “Theory” from the Ye Olde Days of Psuedo-Science. After all, if he believes in “Penis Envy,” he must believe in the rest of that Crap.

  4. “I say we pass a federal law that all American males over 18, without prejudice or exception, be required to…join a militia and keep a military-grade select-fire weapon in their home for national defense.” There, fixed it for you. At least this amended proposal is consistent with the Constitution and was not taken from the porno industry.

    Notice how they always call for a conversation about “gun control” and in the next breath they insult us?

    So, I’d like to finish with an insult that he will understand…he is a “tool” in every sense of the word.

  5. Bubblehead Les, you see my point. They’re the ones with the “gun-as-penis” fixation, so the logical progression is as you’ve stated. Apparently Freud wasn’t wrong, just had the wrong target (sorry!) demographic in mind.

  6. I’d still like to see a reason why, if guns are meant to compensate for one’s below average manhood, so many of us buy compact or subcompact pistols or snubnose revolvers. If there were any truth to these beliefs, then gun stores wouldn’t be able to sell anything under 9 inches.

  7. I grant you, there may be more than one chap using this name, but a few years back, ‘Shalom Auslander’ wrote a few screeds relating to motorcycling.
    The one I mainly recall was about the makes of bikes whose riders he wouldn’t condescend to wave at on the road – Basically, he wouldn’t wave at any
    of them…
    …I suspect that it’s the same guy – the arrogant, smug-to-the-point-of-incoherent tone is sure familiar…

  8. Two elbows an asshole and an opinion. Eh, plenty of them around. Soon we ‘ll be stacking them like cordwood. See two posts above.

  9. @mike w., I have three potential responses:

    1) Too much information!
    2) It must mean things are so small the shaving didn’t work and you had to compensate even more.
    3) I don’t care and I have no desire to check your work.

    Choose one.

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