In a grim scenario we’ve seen all too often in the news, 20 year old college student Jason Hamilton reportedly burst into a classroom on Wednesday and opened fire at a small community college in Virginia. After two shots, however, his rifle jammed. Not only that, he missed both times. Not surprisingly, Hamilton’s father is furious.
…
In failing to check the bolt action of his brand new firearm, Jason Hamilton didn’t just let himself down, he let his community down.
Local news reporters were also disappointed with Hamilton’s performance on Wednesday. The event forced the cadre of journalists into the cold for a boring press conference about a crime that didn’t quite happen for a story that would only last a day at best. The story had all the elements of a barn-burner news meme: a stressed and mentally unbalanced college student, a link to the ongoing debate over gun control, and eerie proximity to the 2007 Virginia Tech massacre. It had everything going for it. Everything but actual victims, that is. If he had managed to pull it off, they would be sitting on a goldmine: weeks worth of easy copy and the warm glow of the national spotlight. But no, it didn’t bleed so it didn’t lead. As it was, not a single cable news network bothered to send a satellite truck. Perhaps that’s why the headline in the local paper read, “Thanks for Nothing, Asshole.”
Frank
December 10, 2009
Father Deeply Disappointed in Son’s Failed Murder/Suicide
[There is more than a little truth in this satire but he left out references to the Brady Campaign, the VPC, etc. getting all dressed up for the dance in the blood and not finding any blood.–Joe]
“Well darn. And I had hoped to break in my brand new, blood dancing shoes” – Paul Helmke
Guess he should have paid more and got an ERB instead of a bolt-action.
Whoops…that should be EBR, not ERB. I need another cup of coffee…
ERB = Evil Rifle, Black.
Not sure how you jam a bolt action after two shots though. Short stroking it so you end up with an empty chamber, sure, but “jam”?
Slam the bolt home on a partially ejected shell casing, by not opening the bolt fully before trying to return it to battery.
Damn. 🙂 Makes my take on the whole thing seem lame by comparison. I made the argument that a waiting period would have gotten more people killed so at least that dovetails with this guy’s point of planning it out. Sadly, some anti-rights type will find that article and believe it to be true rather than the satire it is.