I got a call from a recruiter for one of the jobs I interviewed for this week.  She said both groups want me.  The company policy is that the two groups won’t compete for me.  I have to choose which job I want and then that group will make me an offer.  “Most people would kill to be in your position” she said. 

One of my fellow contractor co-workers is all bubbly and just gushing over the situation vicariously.  She can’t figure out why I’m not jumping up and down in excitement.  I’m not entirely sure why I’m not.  It’s not really my personality type.  Although there have been events which got me pretty excited when my goals were realized (the audio of one is here the background is here).  And other thing is that I have to make a choice and disappoint someone.  Maybe it’s not that big of a deal in the big scheme of things but it’s important to me.  I told both groups I wanted the job, which is true, but I have to tell one of them that I want another group more than them.  I’m “rejecting someone”.  That’s not pleasant for me even though I know “the company” is not the same as a person and holds zero compassion toward individuals in the cases where the situation is reversed.  It’s not really rational but it’s the way it is.  Barb and I have talked about similar things before.  As we learned again with the bigots at Pacific Northwest National Laboratory we have too often given our employers more loyalty and more of ourselves than they deserve.  I expect this will happen, at least to a certain extent again here.  I’m hoping to stay here until I retire but I had similar plans at PNNL before I found out the depth of their bigotry extended to them being willing to commit felonies against me.  I have friends at this company and it will be easy to settle in and be at ease but I’ll try not to give so much of myself that it will not be so incredibly painful if I have to move on for some reason.

Another issue is that I probably don’t have the doubts some people do about whether they are “good enough”.  I was pretty sure I had what it took.  I just needed a chance where people could overlook my age and my history with PNNL.  I’m climbing back up the ladder and getting in a position to deal with the bigots.  I have the drive, the smarts, and strength of will to deal with almost any obstacle put in my path.  Reaching this goal isn’t a surprise to me.

So to sum up my late night ramblings I think the bottom line is that even though I’m not bubbling with happiness I’m content.  I wouldn’t kill to be here because I knew wouldn’t be necessary for me.