Doubt

Every once in a while I have doubt.  Maybe I did do something wrong.  Maybe I did step over the line and deserve to get fired.  When I was in the first meeting I thought maybe there was something that I got carried away with.  The next day I reviewed everything I could find on my blog.  There was nothing that should have been a problem.  I felt better in some ways but things still didn’t make sense.  Why were they making it into a problem?

I was required to talk with the HR people and I thought it went really well.  They asked factual questions that were not judgment calls.  “Did you know this was a rule?”  “Yes.”  “Did you ever break this rule?”  “No.”  Almost all the questions were easy stuff.  Virtually nothing was ambiguous–which was a problem for me with the first meeting.  Immediately after the meeting I was suspended without pay–which was a shock.  As I drove home the doubt crept in.  What had I done that was so bad?  Maybe I had done something but couldn’t remember it.  I had time to think about things and to try and make sense of it.  They weren’t giving me any more information but I had another source–my web access log files.  I did a quick scan of them and I could see a pattern.  And I could see they had lied to me in that first meeting.  Why lie?  What in the world did they have to gain by that lie?  And they were still looking HARD for stuff in my websites during and after the HR meeting.  I felt better.  There were people out to get me and if there was something I had actually done they should have found it by now and they wouldn’t have to lie about little things.

When I got the call and was told I was fired I was certain.  There had not been any further questions of me.  I knew there was stuff that looked bad but had completely innocent explanations.  They didn’t ask about anything so I knew they weren’t interested in the truth about me.  My web access logs were my only real hope of learning the truth about them.  More reviewing of the logs seemed consistent with my first impression.  But as I continued looking and annotating the logs I began to have doubts.  Maybe it was just a random search through things and it just happened that the firearms stuff was what they looked at first and last.  Then I looked at the times when PUCK would have been preparing for the first meeting.  I was enraged. And I had no doubt.

In the last few days I came to doubt again.  I would look at the preparation time and wonder if maybe there was another explanation.  It’s easy to believe what you want to believe.  Then last night I got a call from someone.  A completely independent source confirmed something I had suspected.  It’s not a “smoking gun”.  It’s not something that is irrefutable proof on it’s own.  It’s like “fingerprints at the crime scene” and there is no contraindicating evidence.  I have no doubt.