SHE STARTED out very innocently, feeling the small of my back, and then ran her palms over my shoulder blades and neck, then journeyed down my spine, making small talk about the hot weather and the uniqueness of my watch.
Telling me to remove my shoes and belt, her fingers methodically worked over my lower lumbar region, cupping the cheeks of my rump and slowly tracing my thighs and knees. The back of my knees is the most ticklish part of my body, and I bit my lip and swung my arm at her to stop, due to a full bladder.
She quickly ordered me to stare ahead and keep my hands at my side as she signaled that she did not need further restraints on me. I felt her wrists taunt my inner leg and calves and prayed she wouldn’t feel my cardinal sin: not shaving my legs.
She grabbed my waist, and with her palms, traveled around my torso and pressed against my stomach. She traced the circumference of my breasts and squeezed one so hard that if I did have silicone or a baggie of cocaine stashed in there, it surely would have popped. She then ran her hands down my sides so tight she knew I had $1.74 in change in one pocket and a stick of Double Mint in the other.
No, I was not getting a really risque massage, nor was I trying out for the Ellen DeGeneres/Rosie O’Donnell team, I was the lucky recipient of being randomly screened at Philadelphia International Airport.
But the Transportation Security agent went places on me that I believe only my husband will go on our wedding night (me being a devout good Catholic girl, wink, wink) or my gynecologist. After this heavy petting session, all in the name of national security, I felt like I needed a cigarette, but they confiscated all lighters.
So after getting to third base with me, the agent hit a home run with the friend I was traveling with because she was wearing a dress. She got lucky with the security wand that poked and prodded under the dress. My friend was even told to stand with her legs apart and do lunges as the security wand got a bird’s-eye view of the female reproductive system.
Even ignoring the 4th Amendment issues it’s time to rethink the problem.