In the comments to my most recently posted “Quote of the day” it was pointed out to me (thank you Greg) that Claire Wolfe has modified her position on it being “too early to shoot the bastards”. She, as of August 9, 2004, says,
I can no longer think of any moral reason not to “shoot the bastards.”
Putting aside for a moment that I do not regard Ms. Wolfe as my “moral compass“, this change in position brings up some very interesting questions for people wishing to start hunting bastards:
- What calibers are most effective and practical for hunting bastards?
- Is there a special season for bow hunters?
- Are there any restrictions on weights, genders, or ages?
- How does one positively identify bastards?
- Are nets, barbed hooks, traps and/or poisons allowed?
- Are explosives allowed? If so, are their restrictions on the size and type of explosives? How about on the size, composition, and weight of shrapnel?
- Is baiting allowed?
- If baits are allowed are there any effective baits other than the obvious young women, money, and alcohol?
- I realize clubbing baby seals is frowned upon, but what about clubbing bastards?
- Are there any hunting guides that specialize in hunting bastards?
- Can habitat destruction be utilized to reduce the number of bastards?
- Where does one buy their hunting license for bastard shooting?
- Are tags required?
- What is the bag limit?
- Are out of state hunters charged more for their license and tags?
- Is there a particular season for shooting bastards?
- Are there particular habitats where bastards flourish?
- Are there restrictions on shooting them during certain parts of the day?
- Is bastard meat safe for consumption by domestic animals? Or must it be used for compost only?
- Are the hunting zones broken down by precinct, county, congressional district, or state boundaries?
- What hunting zones have the highest concentration of bastards?
- Are there any bastard reserves where bastard hunting is prohibited?
- May bastards be shot in their nests with their young?
- Can bastards be made into trophies?
- Are there taxidermists that specialize in bastards?
- Are there any Boone and Crockett type scoring systems for determining if you have bagged a record setting bastard?
- Does PETA or any other “animal rights” group protest the hunting of bastards? Is there an season and/or bag limits for them?
- What if bastard hunting becomes extremely popular and bastards become an endangered species? Will there be conservation groups similar to Ducks Unlimited and the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation?
- Any idea who might want to be founding members of Bastards Unlimited? Is there an season and/or bag limits for them?
- Are there NRA hunter education classes available for hunting bastards?
You know… with all these questions I don’t think I’m quite ready for bastard hunting yet. I’ll keep you posted though. And it’s not like I haven’t given this some thought before.
1. Same as the minimum requirements for deer in your respective state
2. Season is year around. No.
3. Weight: No Gender: No Age: Same as the legal age for marriage in your respective state.
4. Possession of any book by Mark or Engels, of Mao’s “Little Red Book” in public or the sale or dispensing of said items, carrying a pro-jihadi or pro-socialist or pro-anarchy signs at a public protest, the wearing of hemp clothing and/or dred locks and or the smell of patchouli are just a few of the positive indicators. However, fines for ‘dropping’ one of these items onto an already deceased bastard are beyond imagination.
5. NO. Bastards are only allowed to be shot on sight. However, dogs trained in the tracking or discovery of patchouli perfumed individuals are allowed.
6. No. Same as answer 5.
7. Yes, but the only bait allowed is pro-marxist, pro-communist, pro-socialism, or pro-anarchy literature. But the bastard MUST pick up the item. If he or she steps on, kicks or otherwise shows disrespect to the bait, said person cannot be declared a bastard. Miscellaneous bottles of patchouli oil or free clothing are not allowed for use as bait. Nor are is the bastard hunter allowed to advertise an anti-war rally and shoot any bastard who arrives unless he or she fits into the previous and following descriptions.
8. The baits described above are the only items allowed, so far. Appeals will be taken into consideration on a case by case basis and must be approved. Veteran bastard hunters will attest to the shunning of money by most bastards and that young women are not attractive to bastards unless they are wearing a Che Gueverra t-shirt, thereby making the bait a bastard. The only effective alcohol bait is French made wine, which no self respecting bastard hunter would be caught dead buying. No on these three forms of bait.
9. Clubbing, while fun and a good form of exercise, is not allowed. Once again, the bastards must be shot on sight. The act of shooting is necessary so as to naturally deplete ammo stocks and to keep the eevviill capitalist ammunition manufacturers in business. If you are only able to wound your bastard and have to follow a blood trail, you may finish it off with a sharp knife in a Kosher manner. The bastard’s hatred for Jews makes this rule ironic.
10. Yes, check your local directory or the internet. If you cannot find one in your area, this is an excellent opportunity to have your very own start up business.
11. No. Cities must be maintained in order to keep job markets up.
12. No license is needed other than your NRA, GOA or CCRKBA membership card.
13. No. All bastard kills must be reported to your respective pro-gun club and/or local rifle club.
14. None. Kill as many bastards as you want.
15. Again, no licenses or tags are required. Though they must inform their local constabulary of their impending hunt.
16. Again, no.
17. Most bastards inhabit urban landscapes, universities and colleges, the offices of the mainstream media city hall and the 9th circuit court chambers. But there are bastards who DO live in suburban and rural territories.
18. No.
19. Compost only. Anyone caught not disposing of their killed bastard via composting or used tire fire pyre will be fined into oblivion. Feeding to animals is strictly prohibited and could lead to the labeling of the offender as a bastard in a court of law. Effectively a death sentence.
20. Since no tags or permits are required, the are no official boundaries. But, if the bastard hunter feels the need to restrict his or herself, the use of voting precints are the most popular boundaries.
21. Urban.
22. Only Canada. We feel that there will be bastards there until the end of time.
23. No. Bastards must be shot on the move. From the kitchen to the bathroom, does not count.
24. That is just disgusting.
25. Again, ewww.
26. Bastards are like cockroaches. About the most celebratory the cockroach hunter gets, is to say “Damn, that was a BIG cockroach”. Same for bastards.
27. NO. PeTA members are bastards. Of course they want bastards to be protected.
28. No. Please refer to answer 22.
29. The rules committee can think of a lot of stupid bastards, but none stupid enough to want to do that!
30. The NRA? No. But the GOA and the CCRKBA now have ‘Bastard Recognition’ classes in a number of elementary schools. Anyone who objects is, obviously, identified as a bastard and shot.
HAPPY HUNTING!
PS: Sorry the responses to your questions took so long. The ‘Bastard Hunting Board’ was off on a desert island on vacation with several beautiful women….
OK, we admit it, we were too busy hunting bastards!